I didn’t expect sobriety to be like this. And now that I think about it, I don’t think sobriety, and all it comes with, could ever be something one can prepare for.
I’ve been sober from alcohol a few days shy of 100. It’s been even longer without my old friend, Mary Jane. 188 days to be precise. I know, I know. You don’t have to say it. I feel bad for myself lol.
This journey is and has been HARRRD!
And I wish I could say that it’s worth it. However, with how I’m feeling the past few days, I simply can’t. But, it comes with the territory, I suppose. I guess you can say I’m feening. Feening: a term used to describe a strong urge for something.
Throughout my sobriety journey, I’ve kept tabs and journaled all of the things noticed and realized. I wouldn’t be exaggerating when I say it’s been pages and paragraphs full of realizations thus far. With today being one of them. I thought it would be cool to document the realization here 😉
Somewhere in my odd mind, I believe I’ve been “here” before. Here, as in, life. I keep waiting for life to start. I imagine myself at a starting line, crouched down in position as track runners do before they start their race. I’m in that position, anxiously anticipating for that shotgun to sound. (FYI, I know it’s not a shotgun. Just allow me to use the words I want to use, mmkay!)
Somehow in my imagination, I’ve convinced myself that life is supposed to be extravagant and fun every moment of the day. Anything less than that is nothing. Anything less than that is boring. I’m sad to realize this. I’m sad because this way of thinking has me waiting on edge for nothing. I’m torturing myself. I have a feeling that this way of thinking causes drug and substance addiction and dependency. A dependency that spun me around and around without any destination. (This is why I quit the drinking and drugs, if you haven’t guessed so already.)
What if I said there is no real meaning to life? What if I’m waiting for something that will never come? What if life is simply meant to be enjoyed. Life, as in, boring day to day stuff. What if I can finally stop holding my breath and settle into the day to day stuff? What if I stopped searching for that high moment? Can I accept the “bored” feeling? What if, just, what if?
Ladies and gentleman, I believe I just unlocked another freedom within sobriety key!
Health, Wellness, Lifestyle 